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Lost in love, lost in life, lost at sea

September 8, 2017

Summer, for me, always starts with high hopes and ends bittersweet. I think I was thrown for so many new loops this summer though, that I don't feel bitter or sweet. I'm not sad that summer is ending, I'm relieved. I'm glad for the seasons to change because my guts are changing more than usual, too. (like, a lot of farting) (so much farting) (JK, I'm talking about my SOUL, YOU BITCHES) 

 

I used to pray for and cry my seasons away waiting for endless summer and while I appreciate how much I loved and lived for warm weather, I want to appreciate just where I am now. 

 

When I wrote this song about 4 years ago, I was living in a room without sunlight on the west side of Manhattan, commuting out to surf in Rockaway Beach every chance I got and dating lots of random guys because I enjoyed meeting new people and getting to go out for free dinners (haha, juzz being honest #CollegeFunds). I don't remember which season it was exactly, but I know it was chilly and I was in my usual spite of the colder weather. I went out on a first date with this guy, let's call him Spongebob, who I had met at a bar one night. From the minute I met up with him, Spongebob was just sooooo nice and sooooo cute and sooooo complimentary - he literally made me feel like I was a super model ! I enjoyed dining and drinking with him, smiling and laughing....eventually, I learned how much older than me he was....that we are the same height.... and the most important factor, that I had zero attraction to him.

Spongebob, tho SO NICE, GREAT WITH JELLYFISH, HAS AN AWESOME SNAIL-CAT, was just not for me and there was nothing to be done about it. 

 

I went home from the date smiling, literally smiling ear to ear because I had so much fun hanging out and meeting such a congenial and charismatic character of a guy... however, when I got home I CRIED.

TEARS. REAL TEARS. DINNER AND A KISS ON THE CHEEK TEARS. I felt so horrible because I wanted to like him so much, I knew he liked me... he was so nice and had me cracking up but there was no way I ever in my life would LIKE THAT GUY. I knew it! I knew it more than ever! I knew I could go out with a hundred guys probably and that on my insides it didn't matter how nice or sweet or perfect the guys were, I didn't want a boyfriend. I didn't want a hook up. I didn't want anything but flat out friendship and other than that I was stoked on doing lonely shit all by myself. It was whack as hell and at the time, I totally didn't understand it. It all came tumbling out in a matter of minutes when I wrote 'Lost At Sea' sitting on my twin bed in my little bedroom. All my conflicted emotions came streaming out. He wasn't the first guy I'd genuinely liked but didn't LIKE LIKE and I felt so freaking frustrated for who I was in that moment. 

 

I've been looking for the security to feel confident in a relationship ever since then. Even in a relationship, I searched for the confidence to be in a relationship and never quite found it. 

 

When I wrote this song, I wrote it but didn't really know what it meant. Since then, I've let myself fall in and out of love and for me, right now, it has more weight than I ever knew it could. 

 

I have been a firm believer that we have power to manifest our realities...(That, or, God gives us strong glimpses and foreshadows our futures for us so that we hold onto hope when we're in the thick of things). That's why I never liked writing sad songs, I feared singing something negative over and over because I believed that what I repeat sinks into my bones, it plays in my head when I'm sleeping and I radiate that sort of energy when I play it. 

 

Well, I used to fear that. I don't anymore. I can sing a sad song, or a happy song, or a dirty song, I can eat a hamburger or drink glass of wine or take a kale wheatgrass shot - I can repeat a good habit so many times that it becomes a bad habit. I don't believe that what I consume informs who I am, but who I am informs what I do. If I'm always writing about being happy but I'm really feeling sad, then I'm not informed on the truth of who I am. 

 

And right now, I am more lost than I've ever been. I have no idea. No clue what's going on, but I'm going to find out. I want to be as honest and truthful as I can about who I am, as untypical or weird as it may be. I've been 'Lost at Sea' for years, but only just now am figuring out how to embrace it. I've been desperately looking for land, but maybe, just maybe, I'd rather stay cast out than find the shore after all. 

 

 

 

 

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